Today, I got a new haircut. I'd been cutting into my own hair for the past few months because I was a bit bored and I like messing with my own hair. My friend, Esther usually fixes my mess, but another friend reached out and offered the services at the salon where she works. Personally, I thought I was looking hot with my crooked cut done under the influence of a glass of wine or two. But, experts know better and I'm so happy she reached out and guided me to Salon Dada.
I needed the cut not just because I messed it up myself, but I needed to feel finished in a way I wasn't when I was blindly cutting my own hair. This cut, though it was initiated by someone else was a step in the self care direction I need to figure out. Unfcuking myself around the way I care for myself has been an issue in my life that I am slowly working out. The haircut and leading up to it has made me really think of all of the other ways I've denied myself kindnesses over the years.
I didn't grow up learning how to take care of myself. Simple acts of applying hand lotion or getting a massage weren't part of my growing up experience. I wasn't taught the importance of moisturizing or getting regular trims. My mother, didn't teach me these little things and now, when I do them it's part of learning. It's a struggle to do the nice things to myself and for myself. As the mother of a daughter, when she was little, I wanted her to be different than me. I wanted my daughter to be the sort of woman that was soft and dainty in the ways that I was hard and rough.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a rough and tumble sort of gal. I'm just not very girly in some respects. At nearly 50, I'm just really getting my stride with my skincare routine on a regular basis. My feet still need to be sanded down with an automotive belt sander, but it's all about progress. I'm getting back to that side of me that I forgot about. Sometimes I feel as if my femininity goes in these waves. For so many years, I've had to be the woman and the man in my own life. Even when I was with my polygamist of a "husband," I had to be the man. Everything that needed to get done got done by me. Things haven't changed, but I know that I have to find the balance where I fall back into being the woman in my life while I still balance the having to be my own "man."
Now that my hair is shorter, I also have this feeling of wanting to change a few other things in my life. There's that saying, "A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life." that I totally subscribe to. A cut is an announcement to the world that something is about to change. Yes, it's just the head on my hair, but I want to wake up and be a little different tomorrow. I don't want to just sit and linger in my own thoughts, but step up and fully do my day the way I need to.
I've made the commitment to workout first thing tomorrow morning and Jerri with her new hair can't possibly back out. It wouldn't fit with my new look. I'm also getting a pedicure and I've set my alarm to meditate for at least 10 minutes tomorrow. I might be able to control the monkey mind for about five, but I'm totally going for 10.
Tonight, I'm recording my first podcast. I'm going to have a conversation with a friend all about being stuck and how to get unstuck. I'm finding it really interesting how many people are feeling a bit caught up in their own stuff as much as I do, too.
I can't do a smokey eye to save my life. I always look like a raccoon.
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