It's a Funny Thing

I've had a couple of funky months of late. I can't say that they've been my best, but I do anticipate that they will be some of my worst. I was very depressed and spiraled to a point where I didn't want to get up again. It has happened before, but I know that there are ways to keep myself from going there again. My fears rear their ugly heads when I start to worry about the unknown. When I stare out at the landscape of my future and all I see is the vastness of possibility and uncertainty. I see hours of life spent in myself and alone because that's the way I've done it for so long.

Yet, I'm seeing something different and wanting something more. I've been looking for a job for the last couple of weeks. I scan the posts and look through each job, hoping to find one that would fit me and I it. I question my qualifications and my abilities. I see that I've existed in my life for a long time by the skin of my teeth and these hard-cobbled together skills that don't have the same weight that they did years ago. My scrappy ability to land on my feet has been nice, but at almost 53, I think and know there needs to be another way forward. To keep my life as it is, I will continue to sew together little scraps of this and that. But, to make a life that feels like it's moving forward and is expanding, I need to try for something much larger than I've tried before.

I forget to dream at times. I get lost in living and existing in my life that I put dreams and what they feel like away. I've done this the majority of my life. I know it began when I was a kid. Surviving and trying not to suffocate in the home I was in was all that matter. The constant yelling and chaos pushed thoughts of "what I wanted to be when I grew up" to a place that was never even pried open. Not being pulled under by the waves that constantly came in a home that didn't know anything other than drowning in emotions and strife, sipping on bits of air to stay alive became the only way to be.

So, now, I'm here and looking for that next act that will get me to the good bit. Putting my future in the hands of others seems like a good choice, but finding that future is what's the difficult part. Maybe it'll work out or maybe it won't. In the meantime, I have to do my own thing and keep working at what I know how to do. I don't know exactly what that is in some regards, but until there's no longer a breath in my body, I'll keep trying.

So, let's see what's next and get ready to enjoy the ride.