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  • Writer's picturecatsmama7

Unfcuk My Heart

Fridays used to mean something. They were the start of a fun weekend when I'd look forward to going out with friends or doing something other than going from my upstairs to my downstairs. I have a couple of sessions booked at the studio on Sunday, but have a quiet weekend ahead.

There are so many things that I need to do around the house.

I was just watching "The Affair." I"m on season one because I never watch things when they first come out. So far, I'm really enjoying it. It's pretty hot in some spots. At this point in my life, pretty much anything is hot. I'm not aroused by it the way I would have been and was when I was younger. It's like watching something that you once did, remember, but is sort of foreign. Watching two people making love is like watching a street scene from Paris. I long to walk the streets, feel the air, and taste the food. But, it's a memory. I remember a Nutella filled crepe from this place near Shakespeare and Company, like I fondly remember receiving oral sex. The possibility of having either are pretty much the same.

I think we need sex as human beings. Some need it more than others. Some not at all. I'm afraid I'm going to get to that point where it's been so long, that I'll forget and not even think about it anymore. My mojo is sort of on sabbatical. It could surely come back, but I think it'll take some effort. It'll take effort because I'm not in a relationship nor do I have any prospects in the future lined up. I'm not a troll looking woman, but for the most part, I've had only a handful of "relationships."

But, I don't just want any sort of sex. I want the type that comes with a real relationship. The sort of relationship that has eluded me a large part of my life. When it comes to love, sex, and relationships, I've been pretty fucked. It isn't for lack of trying. That's a lie. I haven't tried to be in one for ages. I miss the touch of another human in that way. I miss kissing and feeling wanted.

I need to unfuck myself when it comes to love. I've not felt it or thought that I was really, really in it. I've said it. I've thought I've been in it, but then when it's over, I realize that it wasn't love at all. I used to think I was broken or that something is wrong with me. I know that I'm capable of loving and being loved, but for some reason, I keep it out of my life.

Growing up, I never saw my parents display love. They fought most of the time. My father had his own bedroom and my mother slept on the sofa in the living room for years. The touching and kindnesses that is sometimes on display in other families was replaced with a lot of name calling and a fucked up codependent relationship that ended only when my father died with Alzheimers. Though they had divorced years before, the dementia had taken over and my father forgot about how horrible of a marriage the had.

I digress. This is about my unfucking of my stuff around relationships. I know that some comes from my not feeling worthy of being loved and some comes from not seeing it. But, a lot of it comes from not putting the effort out there because I hate being rejected. I hate putting my heart out there to have it shat on. So, to avoid it, I don't. There's this line in David Bowie's Fame that always pops in my head when I think about love. "I'll reject you first." This line has been my M.O. I will never be rejected because either I won't put myself out there to be rejected or I'll do the rejecting first.

Instead, I'll stay lonely. But, that's not cool with me anymore. I don't want that. I want to once and for all unfuck myself when it comes to love. I want to love and be loved.

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