Adulting is so fcuking hard.
I don't like being an adult most of the time. I like the driving part. I like being able to buy wine and weed. I like having adult conversations about adult things. I like adult activities with many adults. Not all, but many. But, I hate doing all the icky shit that comes with being an adult. Part of my shame with the way my life has turned out is due in part to my avoidance of doing adult shit. Being an adult means doing adult things all the time and avoiding fun. While I don't have a ton of fun going on at the moment (who does?), getting my head out my ass and handling my adult things are part of my unfucking process.
Adult things are those boring things that require me to sit down and do them. They are the uncomfortable and dull, but the so very necessary. I feel that being an adult has been the hardest part of my existence. Sure, I'm a mother and I'm almost 50, but I am a faux adult in so many ways because my shit doesn't feel fully together. This week, I realized this when I felt like a fraud being a part of a town committee for the arts. I'm barely holding on by a skin of my teeth financially, haven't half of my life sorted out, and am physically needing to get my shit in shape. So, I've been walking around trying to sort out my own life, feeling at a crossroads, and not knowing which way to turn.
I know I'm feeling this way because of the writing work that I've been doing these past few weeks. I had initially thought I'd write it all out on a blog, but I know my belly button gazing shit is boring, so I'm limiting this so it's my record and possibly one for someone else. I know that I'm missing discipline in my life. There's no one checking on me to make sure I'm going to make it in life or going to be a success other than myself and that is also determined by me. There's no time clock to punch or a scale that'll measure where I'm at or if I'm succeeding in any capacity other than the ones I make for myself. This is the IT for me. I have to make the measures. I have to decide what those goals are and when they are to be achieved. There's guidance to be found in books and guides that I've picked up along the way, but it's only through the consistent implementation of daily actions with markers along the way that any progress can be truly made. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it did when I wrote it out.
In my Unfucking Plan, first I'm making out what I want, how I'm going to get it, and what will it mean when I get there. I wasn't sure how it needed to look and what it would take to do all of this until recently. It's hurting my head a bit, but I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.
What do I want?
because I don't want to be alone/sans companion for the rest of my life. It's funny that this is the first thing that I would even write this as what I want in my life. I totally get out of this space, but I realize I don't want to live alone with dogs crocheting sweaters for them. Yes, that might be part of my future, but I hope the fuck not.
I hate worrying about money and paying bills. The pandemic has been a bit of a setback, but also I've not done a lot to prepare for the life that I have. I live by the skin of my teeth most days, don't charge enough, and need to plan for my future. I think about retirement accounts and get scared because there isn't a plan for what happnes next week, let alone 20 years from now. That has to change.
Healthy body and mind
I want to never be a burden to my daughter and only through taking steps to lose weight and exercise daily will I have the mind and body to carry me through to the rest of my life. When I weight myself a couple of weeks ago, I was sort of sad to see where the number was and what I had done to my body. This is a reflection of my emotions and also the fact that I was eating and drinking way too much. The wine with dinner on a regular basis was impacting my health and if I don't stop it now, I'll surely start to fuck with my forever. I also know that if the body is feeling great, the mind will follow. Unfucking my mind around my body is such a big one for me.
Clean and tidy home
I'm getting there in this regard. It's a struggle, but it's part of why I love moving furniture. It forces me to be super tidy. I'm sort of home obsessed and am finding that the closer I get to having space nirvana, the better I feel about the other areas of my life.
The 30 Day Unfucking Plan
Since Rome wasn't built in a day, Jerri won't be unfucked in one either. I figure, that the next 30 days will begin the process of unfucking by daily committing to two hours every morning to the final outcome of me. There are 24 hours in a day and two of those hours can be just for me and figuring this shit out. Through writing, reading, exercise, and meditation, I'm going to get this life right.