Sometimes I get tired of having to be the adult in my life. I want to be the teenage boy who plays Nintendo and eats bags of spicy Cheetos and doesn't gain a pound or worry about credit scores and retirement. But, I'm not. I'm a 52-year-old Black woman wondering what's going to happen next in life. I'm pretty excited about it. I don't know why. I've always been rather optimistic.
So far, it's been fairly interesting. I've lived in several countries, had a lot of unforgettable experiences, and tried on several different hats. Some of them were a good fit, some were tight as fcuk, and others are still trying to find their way to my head where they belong. The one thing that has eluded me in my life so far is love. I think I've been in "like," "lust," and "I want to feel something so you will do," but never love. Not the sort of love that would make me cry and wake up wondering what went wrong. I liked my ex when we first met. But, that was ages ago and I've put myself on this rusty ass shelf of my own making. I've always kept myself out of life for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I didn't think I deserved a good partner. Years ago, I had this conversation with my mother. I was nine. I asked her, "Do you love me?" She looked at me and responded, "Do you expect me to love you with the way you are?"
It burned me at that age and since then, I've been so afraid of getting burned from loving that I don't do it very easily. Of course, I love my daughter and friends, but the romantic love stuff is where I guard myself. I'm so self aware of this shit it's like having a RING in my brain. But, I'll only get to the other side of it if I work on it. Like anything.
So, in the next couple of months I'm going to try to put myself back out there in the dating pool.
The last guy I dated was before the start of the pandemic. We weren't a good fit. I broke it off through a series of phone calls and a texts or two. There wasn't a lot to talk about and when that happens, I'm done. He lived in this apartment and had furniture that was uncomfortable. I get it and know that comfortable furniture isn't important to everyone, but I'm too old to fart around on a futon. He also didn't have a coffee table. I know that isn't a big thing at the end of the day, but I like a side table and things that make you feel as if you're not just breezing through. I look around at my collection of free, IKEA, and Target furnishings that I adore, but won't win any design awards.
Yes, this is why I have a dog at the end of my bed and another next to my head most nights. The dodgy cat, Rick is also known to join us. It's rather cozy and I can't complain because I do love my bed, but sometimes I get a hankering for a some companionship who doesn't need his poop picked up in a bag. Yep.
But, this is a fun mash-up recipe that I cook only for myself because I like to mix it up.
Ingredients
1/4 bag of tteokbokki, cooked according to directions
1/4 cup of water
A handful of cheese curds, air fried
1 scallion, chopped
1 tsp rice wine vinegar
Some spicy Cheetos, crushed
1 cube of frozen ginger (not pictured because I added it in at the last minute)
Cook tteokbokki. I cut the square of the sauce into quarters and put the rest back into the freezer along with the rest of the noodles.
Cook the 1/4 of the red sauce in 1/4 cup of water. Add in the tteokbokki. Throw in a cube of ginger. Cook for about 8-10 minutes.
Air fry the cheese curds.
Crush with the palm of my largish hand, some Spicy Cheetos that I shouldn't have bought at all.
To serve, pour noodles and broth into a bowl, top with scallions, cheese curds, and spicy Cheetos, and some of the vinegar for tang!
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